I have realized that big dreams come with big determination
I have realized that what you expect from people you 99.9% of the time DONT get
I have realized that falling into God's footsteps for you requires ALOT of faith.
-I have realized me.
Its like that saying, "You learn something new about someone everyday". Well I think we learn something new about OURSELVES everyday, and if its not something new then its something we havent noticed yet or have overlooked. Kind of like when you find a cool new setting on your phone that you have had 2+ years. Its always been there you just hadnt stumbled across it yet.
I realize in times of discouragment, resentment, frustration and pure cold anger something "new" about myself every time. Ive started to see that I can control my anger and tongue better now, but it doesnt stop what I have to say and it sure as anything doesnt stop the tremors that rumble through my body because I chose to stay silent. I chose to be less vocal on things. Now thats definatly not because im scared of what response I may get or who I may lose, not in the least. If you cant handle me at my worst then you definatly dont deserve me at my best, right?
I also realize that what you expect from people is usually going to dissapoint you SOMEWHERE down that road. You build up this facade on people, build them up in your head, or actually, for me I should say that I build them up in my HEART. I try to convince my head that "HEY! Hes a good guy!" "I know he did very hurtful things to me and CHEATED on me, but he can change right?". When really im just making my heart look like a fool so that my head can call me out on it. Like my head says "Look here idiot, your not fooling ANYONE! I see him and I see how fake he is. Tiffany, he CHEATED on you! Hes LIED to you, BOLD-FACED lied to you! Hes CUSSED you like you werent anything more to him than a speck of dirt on his shoe! So when are you gonna stop trying to tell me that hes gonna change?" Ohhhh how girls just loveeee following their stupid heart huh? Guilty as charged. Thats GOTTA change. Im working on it.
Evermore falling into God's footsteps for me has required me to step away from what I want and my comfort zone...alot! Thats what walking with God is about right? From a previous post I stated that I had CRIED and YELLED out to God for him to HELP me, to take me AWAY, take my feelings AWAY from this boy (not even really worthy to be called a man) if he was not who I was going to marry or be with 3 years from now. That night as I drove away, not even 50 miles from his house I felt nothing anymore. As hard as this story is for me to share NOT ONLY because I feel that it sounds crazy and people wont take it seriously or believe it (which its not like I should care because I know what I feel and felt that night and I know what God told me and bestowed inside me) but also because I feel that people wouldnt believe it because I still see him and hang out with him. I realize that I am not only dissapointing me and what I KNOW I should do but also God. With every argument and disagreement I can almost hear God saying to me, "Tiffany, you CRIED out to me to help you and I DID! I took your hurt away and am standing here in front of you sheltering you from that hurt and sheltering you from your feelings for him. Not because im trying to punish you but because I know WHAT he is, I CREATED HIM. I SEE your future and I see and HAVE SAW everything he IS GOING TO DO to you and everything HE HAS DONE TO YOU! I gave you that experience to learn not to feel like its all you deserve and are ever going to have. I heard your cries, wiped your tears and took your feelings away and I need you to trust me and walk away from him with ME, YOUR CREATOR!" And after everytime I catch myself having went to see him or text him I feel guilty, almost as if im dissapointing. Like my faith isnt big enough yet to walk with him. Which makes me feel discouraged and dissapointed in myself. Like yet again hes saying to me "You keep going back, so I am going to keep giving you arguments and disagreements and unfaithfulness from him everytime. Not because I want you to hurt but becaue I LOVE YOU! I need you to see that I WANT YOU TO WALK WITH ME AND TRUST ME! I'll keep trying, you asked for me to help you and gave it to me. I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN TIFFANY BROOKE!"
I am working very hard to build up my faith strong enough to move mountains! Ultimatly strong enough to walk away from Bryan. To put him in the past, and to leave him there. I want to stop keeping him there as my "security blanket" and my person to make me feel loved or to tell me im beautiful. I need my prince charming to resue me, but that ultimatly cant happen until I take my God's hand and let him lead me in his footsteps for me. I know I can do it and with time I know I WILL!
"I waited paitently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry."
Psalm 40:1
